What Does It Take For High Achievers To Develop Soft-Skills

The following was adapted from Relational Genius by Tricia Groff.

I was role-playing with one of my smartest clients. In this case, his cognitive intelligence didn’t solve the problem. I was teaching him emotional intelligence. He was walking into a high-stakes situation, and I needed him to present as a formidable opponent. “Okay, I need you to intimidate me,” I told him. He puffed up his shoulders like a confused eagle. I laughed and showed him how to rearrange his facial expression to project power.

A lot of high achievers feel a discrepancy between their cognitive prowess and their soft skills. Before we go into mending this disparity, let me delineate the high achiever reference. There is no formal “high achiever” classification, and many smart people may not fit my high achiever profile. So how do you know if I’m talking to you?

I operationally define a “high achiever” according to an amalgamation of personality characteristics. While many people in leader ship positions are high achievers, the term does not refer to status or professional success.

Below is a list of common high achiever characteristics. High achievers have different patterns, so you may identify with many but not all of these traits.

1. People tell you that you have high expectations, but your expectations make perfect sense to you.

2. You feel responsible for the outcomes of situations, even if you are only part of the equation, and even if some factors are outside of your control.

3. You are innately honest.

4. You hate incompetence.

5. You feel embarrassed or ashamed when you make mistakes. 6. People give you high praise, but you often feel deficient.

7. You have a contradiction inside of yourself. You objectively know you perform better than most people, but you simultaneously wonder if you are “good enough.”

8. You’re a big-picture thinker, and tedium makes you cry.

9. You’re open-minded, and you love learning.

10. You hate drama and highly nuanced social interactions. 11. You felt different from other kids when you were growing up. 12. You hate disappointing people.

13. You dislike small talk.

14. It’s hard for you to ask for help.

15. Emotions stress you out.

16. You use logical arguments to solve emotional problems. (It doesn’t work.)

17. You struggle with work-life balance.

18. You skip book introductions.

I have a condensed list of those characteristics on my website, and the contrasting reactions amuse me. One man called me and said, “Yes, that’s me! It’s like you met me.” A woman confessed, “I was a little embarrassed to find I had several of the qualities on your list.” Someone else told me she was going to hire a low-level coach until she could be good enough to work with me.

All of those reactions reflect a perception about whether being a high achiever is bad or good. I simply view it as a personality style that is not intrinsically either. Sometimes, my clients will ask me if their thought processes are normal. My reaction is usually “Not compared to everyone else, but this is typical for high achievers.”

High achievers usually want to keep all of the positive characteristics of their personality style and omit the problematic ones. I’m on board with the intention, but it doesn’t work that way. A lot of traits act as a strength in one situation but as a detriment, or shadow side, in another. My strength, as a high achiever, is that I want to give my best to people; the shadow side of that characteristic is that I may overwork because I don’t have an accurate gauge of what is good enough.

For many high achievers, lower soft-skills development is the shadow side of early intellectual focus. If you are like my high-achieving clients, you are more comfortable in your cognitive acumen than in your soft skills. You care about people, but people drive you crazy. Hence, we will start with the themes I have noticed in high achievers’ soft-skills development. Some of the information may not fit you. That’s normal. I am purposefully generalizing for efficiency, but not all high achievers are created equal. Take what applies to you, and leave the rest.

SOFT-SKILLS DEVELOPMENT IN HIGH ACHIEVERS

It’s natural to assume that we should understand people. If we are homo sapiens, shouldn’t we have the inside knowledge to excel in all things human? On the contrary, the study of human behavior is fraught with contradictions and inaccurate metrics. The most rigorous psychological studies are unlikely to produce cause-and-effect relationships. If psychologists have a hard time understanding humans, where does that leave you?

It’s important to realize that you are not unique in your occasional (or frequent) confusion about navigating people. If you believe you have an intrinsic deficit and beat yourself up about it, you’ll avoid the learning process. In fact, the first step to build ing relational confidence is to accept that the learning curve is normal.

You may be saying, “But, Tricia, I know other people are better at soft skills than I am.” That may be true, but your assumption that others automatically “get it” is not. Many people, whom others view as successful and confident, prepare extensively to have a specific conversation. Sometimes I help clients do awkward, painstaking role-plays to prepare for a presentation. The only thing their colleagues see is a polished professional who feels confident and at ease. What looks “natural” took a lot of practice.

People ask me if soft skills are innate or learned. The answer is “both.” As children, we invest in the activities that we are naturally good at or affirmed for doing. If we struggle academically, we may pursue sports. If social interactions are challenging, we may focus on intellectual success.

Many high achievers received early validation for performance. If this recognition occurred when we were otherwise rejected by peers or parents, the validation became powerful because we felt accepted. Praise is an excellent substitute for unconditional love. We remember the praise and protect our self-worth by focusing on achievement as a substitute for belonging. Our focus on achievement can decrease the frequency of our social interactions, thus slowing our soft-skills development.

Parents and teachers also influence our soft-skills development. As children, we assume that adult behavior is a template for what is normal. We learn implicitly from their actions, subconsciously developing emotional and social rules based on what we see. If we are fortunate, an adult may explain how to optimize soft skills, but even this explicit instruction originates from their own biases about how to navigate relationships. Frequently, we are left with few clear instructions and an array of contradictory conclusions that con found the most socially competent among us.

We believe that other people deserve second chances, but we need to draw lines on how many chances we give. We want to go the extra mile to serve others, but we don’t want to be a doormat. We want to trust people, but people have burned us. We want to be excellent, but sometimes our expectations of ourselves hurt us. How do we reconcile all of the inconsistencies? We don’t. We use the tension in the dance to make intelligent decisions about humanity without losing heart.

To learn more about developing soft-skills you can find Relational Genius on Amazon.

Dr. Tricia Groff is an executive coach and licensed psychologist who specializes in high achievers. With more than 20 years of experience, Dr. Groff is passionate about converting academic concepts into practical strategies that enhance leadership and life.